I'm Baaack

Wow, let me start off this blog by saying I am sorry I've been gone for so long. Very busy, very busy. I know my last blog was horrendous about Greg Oden and David Beckham, but I was kind of in a rush. Let me start off this blog by saying: Does Barry Bonds play baseball anymore?

For Gosh Sake's, I'd thought he was in the NHL by now. Jeez, you'd have thought he'd been suspended or something. I am guessing it is because of the NFL and College football seasons. Thank you football. It seemed like a Barry Bonds popout to second base would cause a ESPN Game Break, or a foolish swing by Bonds would lead of SportsCenter.

Onto my second topic, the Seattle Mariners and the worst analyst is baseball. I know that Seattle has won 7 out of 10, but my God how the mighty have fallen. Once four games up on the New York Yankees in the Wild Card, the Mariners are six games BACK and have moved to just third place in the Wild Card. Didn't Steve Phillips say a few weeks back that the Yankees had no shot at making the playoffs and that the Mariners were too strong? I guess the Mets knew what they were doing.

And on a final note, the recovery of Kevin Everett. Best wishes to him on his fight, and he should know that a lot of people are praying for him.

Season Tickets Holders Crushed

David Beckham and Greg Oden. Injured and injured. All those pre-paid season tickets down the drain. Come one Galaxy and Blazers, if they want that money back give it to them. People would not be paying to see your lousy franchises if Oden and Beckham weren't playing for them. Oden is out until NEXT year and Beckham has seemingly disappeared off the face of the Earth. The cheapwad owners need to give people their money back or the fans will not come back. Even if Oden and Becks are healthy.

Oden = Knee

Beckham = Knee and Ankle

At least Beckham played ONE game.

Oden played a couple preseason games and had 10 fouls one game and 9 fouls the next game. Maybe the Blazer fans will go up to Seattle to watch wunderkid Kevin Durant play basketball.

A Tiger, A Duck, A Sooner, A Longhorn, A Nittany Lion and A Mountaineer

Hey for this weekly column, I am just going to write a few notes about the week of college football that just happened.

LSU looked phenomenal last night against my favorite team, Virginia Tech. Everything seemed to work. They did an absolutely fantastic job against VT's two marvelous linebackers, opening huge holes. LSU looked like a team that deserved to be number one.

Oregon looked amazing yesterday against Michigan. Dennis Dixon is an absolutely incredible quarterback, he threw for more than 300 yards and more than 75 yards rushing. If it wasn't for being sacked a few times, he would have had more than 100 yards rushing. Jonathon Stewart also looked incredible, rushing for 111 yards. Oregon had some great defense, and remember, Michigan has Chad Henne, Mike Hart (who played great) and Mario Manningham.

Oklahoma is looking national championship caliber team. They scored 51 points against Miami's amazing defense. Sam Bradford, the redshirt freshman, played great, tying a school record with 5 touchdown passes.

Colt McCoy played OK in Texas's win. I had actually picked TCU to rout Texas after Texas's seven-point win last week. I think Texas still has some flaws, though.

I am not sure if Penn State was really good or if Notre Dame was really bad. Notre Dame had no offensive touchdowns, and Tom Zbikowski had the only touchdown for the Fighting Irish. The offensive line needs to protect Clausen much better, if they want to have any chance of finishing above .500 this year.

West Virginia really turned it around, after being down 13-6 at half. WVU then decided to play a little football in the second half, with Pat White and Steve Slaton scorching the Marshall defense for 42 second half points.

My Player of the Week: Brian Brohm who had 401 yards and 5 touchdown passes, leading Louisville to a 58-42 win over Middle Tennessee.

My Team of the Week: LSU was all around dominate against Virginia Tech in the game of the week, winning 48-7.

I'll Order a Fallen Hero

Rick Ankiel was sports hero. I mean, pitcher turned hitter, phenom turned bust turned phenom, it all works out to something magical. Until yesterday. Allegedly, Ankiel used human growth hormone in 2004 after his Tommy John surgery, allegedly using it from a prescribed doctor. Even though the doctor had to write an illegal prescription. Even though his doctor was a known subscriber. Even though-- well, I think you get the point. Rick Ankiel was the one who made us forget about B*rry B*nds. And Sammy Sosa. And Rafael Palmerio. He was making the St. Louis fans forget all about their fallen hero, Mark McGwire. Ankiel was on fire. I mean, you could have fried an egg on him. But now, like everyone else, he will be clouded in a smoke of despair and illegal performance enhancers.

There is a part two to this story. Troy Glaus, the 2002 World Series MVP and in 2000, hitter of 47 home runs, was found by si.com to be using steroids from 2003-2004. Seems suspicious however, that during those seasons he was out with injuries. World Series MVP to Steroid User. What, is David Eckstein next? The difference between Glaus and Ankiel is that, even though both of the drugs they used were illegal in the U.S., Glaus's performance enhancers, testosterone and nalderone, were both illegal in Major League Baseball.

It seems as if there is some guy, behind the scenes, just shelling out names, one by one by one. (Thanks to Around the Horn for that last sentence.)

Ode to the NFL

NFL season is near,
Oh dear!

Pacman in trouble
Vick times that double
And Herm Edward's stubble
Means the NFL season is near,
Oh dear!

Too many preseason games,
LaDanian Tomlinson thinks that's lame
And Randy Moss looks the same
Means the NFL season is near,
Oh dear!

The Colts try to defend,
Dwight Freeney dominating defensive end,
Watch Reggie Bush bend!
Means the NFL season is near,
Oh dear!

Steve McNair's getting old,
The Steelers black and gold,
Simeon Rice just got sold,
Means the NFL season is near,
Oh dear!

Watch Steven Jackson run,
JaMarcus Russel's got a gun,
Terrell Owens still isn't having fun!
Means the NFL season is near,
Oh dear!

Matt Leinart is throwing
Byron Leftwich is going
And Bill Parcells is at home sewing
Means the NFL season is near,
Oh dear!

Brett Farve just did a flea flick,
The clock is going tick tick,
Whata know, Rex Grossman threw a pick!
Means the NFL season is near,
Oh dear!

The Umpire Strikes Back

Okay, I know I am a little late on this subject. My bad. But I am outraged at Joba Chamberlin, the hotshot New York Yankee rookie, being suspended two games. He got suspended after throwing two 98 mile per hour fastballs over Kevin Youkillis's head, but Chamberlin was never warned. If you ask me, the umps and Major League Baseball are being a bit too picky these days. Umps now toss guys at rate that is as frequent as Alyssa Milano has boyfriends. Apparently you are not allowed to argue with the umpires, or you'll turn into Prince Fielder who got three games for arguing a call in a game "too aggressively".

Just a couple years ago, Torii Hunter got three games for throwing a baseball back at a pitcher after he was beaned.

Who is Bud Selig trying to be, Roger Goodell?

Maybe suspended these guys if they actually got into a real argument, like a bench clearing brawl a la Jose Offerman. The umps have short fuses and seem to be ready at moments notice to toss someone out. In fact, Bobby Abreu, a few months ago, got tossed for talking to a teammate in the dugout after he struck out. The umpire's back was turned to him and Abreu didn't scream or yell or throw a hissyfit. Maybe Major League Baseball should be a little bit more considered with its steroid investigation, which is going nowhere, instead of throwing someone out for something not out of the ordinary.

No Love for Ian

I hear stuff around the NCAA Heisman Award. "Darren McFadden is a guaranteed Heisman winner." "No John David Booty's too good not to run away with the win." "What about Steve Slaton? He could be one of the best?" "Come on guys, it's Brian Brohm all the way, he's the best quarterback in college football!" Well, they are all right, all those guys definitely deserved to be mentioned in the running for Heisman. But I believe that these "experts" are forgetting someone very important.

Ian Johnson, junior running back out of Boise State.

The same Ian Johnson who once had a 240 yard, 5 touchdown game.

The same Ian Johnson who scored the Fiesta Bowl's game winning two-point conversion on a Statue of Liberty play.

The same Ian Johnson who immediately proposed to his girlfriend on national television after he scored the game winner.

And yes, the same Ian Johnson who led the nation last year in touchdowns as a sophomore.

It is ridiculous. He was 1st team All-American in most voting. The guy is only a junior. He should be recognized for the Heisman instead of always being noted as the "dark horse" by stupid experts. It seems like since his magical Fiesta Bowl, Johnson has fallen off the face of the Earth, same with his team, Boise State, who won against Weber State last night, 56-7 as Johnson had 128 yards on 18 carries for 3 touchdowns.

Heisman voters, vote Ian Johnson in '08.

Undefeated Against Undefeated

The United States of America beat Uruguay last night (or morning, depending on where you live), by a score of 118-79. The problem? The United States faces a foe in Argentina, who, like the US, is also 6-0 after beating Brazil last night, 86-79 in overtime. The United States have obviously crushed teams like Argentina, but remember, these Argentinians are the defending Olympic champions and the number two ranked country in the world by FIBA (to the US). But, team Argentina is without the heart and soul of their team, and possibly their only chance at knocking off the United States, Manu Ginobili. But you also have to remember Luis Scola of that Argentina team, who had a double-double last night, scoring 23 and bringing down 12 rebounds.

To recap the US's game last night, they simply dominated. LeBron James put on arguably the tournament's best performance so far, going 11-11 from the field and 4-4 from behind the arc, scoring 26 points in just 14 minutes, after Coach K decided to give LeBron the second half off. LeBron's performance was only 2 points off Carmelo Anthony and Allen Iverson's record for points in a qualifying game. If the US wins, they will go into Saturday's semifinal as a number one seed.

Pool B Victory

11 pm. It's late night. But there is still basketball to be played. In Las Vegas, beyond the knowledge of anyone, the FIBA Americas Championships have been played and the United States of America have dominated. They are 4-0 so far, and defeated one of the toughest opponents last night, or this morning, technically, in some parts of the world, Brazil. Brazil has reigning sixth man of the year Leandro Barbosa and two other players with NBA contracts. But the U.S. destroyed Brazil last night, 113-76, with Kobe Bryant scoring 20 and LeBron James bringing home 21. The Americans will now open second round play after clinching their group, against Mexico tonight.

Barbosa was dominating the tournament to that point, averaging a tournament high 27. But the U.S. held Barbosa to just four points on 1of 7 shooting. Brazil was 3-0 to that point.

Mexico did lose last night however, as Uruguay won 91-82 on Nicolas Mazzarino's 36 points and 8 three-pointers. Uruguay is now 3-1 in tournament play.

It still remains to be seen if the updated "Dream Team" can knock of the basketball champs of the world, Argentina, led by San Antonio Spurs superstar Manu Ginobili.

Stay tuned for more wrap-ups of the FIBA America's Championship, where the top two teams are automatically in the 2008 Beijing Summer Olympics.

20 Times 10 Equals Hall of Fame

In a sea of dogfighting, steroids and gambling, there is one story that puts a smile on my face. Greg Maddux, yes, good Ol' Reliable Greg Maddux is in the news. Maddux has won his 10th game of the year of Friday, become the first pitcher in the history of baseball to win 10 games in 20 consecutive seasons. Not even Cy Young could do that (he previously held the record at 19 seasons). To be honest with you, I had no idea Maddux had even played 20 seasons. That kind of consistency is remarkable, especially in this day and age where the players are juiced. Maddux rarely throws 90 but is a pitcher's version of Ichiro Suzuki. Maddux has tremendous control, and controls his pitches the way Ichiro controls his pitches. Greg Maddux never strikes out many batters, and has almost taken over a journeyman's role the past few seasons, but with the same results. Maybe we should take time to recognize the remarkable achievement and record instead of concentrating on the achievements of false record.

Greg Maddux is one of the greatest pitchers of this generation, and if it weren't for Roger Clemens he would be the greatest pitcher of the generation.

The Destruction of Baltimore

Texas Rangers vs. Baltimore Orioles. Just your average game of sub-.500 teams, right? WRONG. These Texas Rangers are not the Texas Rangers of 10 years ago, or even five years ago when they had Alex Rodriguez, Ivan Rodriguez and Juan Gonzalez. These aren't the Texas Rangers who would constantly threaten the MLB home run record for homers in a season. Now, their best hitter is a shortstop named Michael Young. After that their team dies. Literally, all players known to man just die.

You would think they could never score 10, much less 30 runs in a game.

Well, yesterday, the Texas Rangers beat the Baltimore Orioles 30-3 in the first game of a doubleheader. The score was so lopsided, Tim Kurkijain almost soiled himself talking about it on SportsCenter. There were two grand slams for the Rangers in the game, from such immortal players as Marlon Byrd and Travis Metcalf. The bottom two hitters in the Ranger lineup, Jarrod Saltalamacchia and Ramon Vazquez, each had 7 RBI's and two home runs. They went a combined 8-14 with 14 RBI's and 4 dingers. That has probably NEVER happened. And you know the crazy part? The Rangers didn't score until the FOURTH inning! Their star hitter, Michael Young, did not drive in a single run! But, they score 25 runs in the final 4 innings, an incredible accomplishment.

But you know what was the craziest part?

Their closer, Wes Littleton, went 3 innings and got the save.

Falling Off the Top

Everyone knows Mike Vick. The star from Virginia Tech. The star in Atlanta. And now, the face of PETA. He is now one of the most highly scruntinized athletes in recent memory, other than Barry Bonds. It is nearly impossible to find another athlete with such a "fall from grace" (thanks Mike and Mike in the Morning) as Mike did. I will now unveil my top 5 athletes, who in my opinion, not including Vick, fell from the top of the sports pantheon faster than anyone has ever done.

5. Doc Gooden

Gooden was on track to be the greatest pitcher of his generation or any generation. Gooden's rookie season in 1984 can only be compared to Bob Feller's of 1941. Except, Gooden had the most dominate rookie season to date. I mean, the guy had 276 in a year at the age of 19! Nineteen! Back then, him and Darryl Strawberry were the bash brothers before Jose Canseco and Mark McGwire. The next year, he was even better, winning the triple crown in one of the greatest years ever in the history of baseball. The year after that, he won 20 games. But in 1987, the wheels began to fall off. He tested positive for cocaine and then two years later, he suffered a shoulder injury. Then the years after that, his combined record was 22-28. The rest of his career and life began to get ugly after that, testing positive for cocaine twice and even being suspended the entire 1995 year. He then rebounded to throw a no-hitter in 1996, but was never, ever near what he was in the mid-80's.


4. Mark McGwire

There really has never been a fall off the field quite like McGwire's. He was a baseball god in the late-90's and was arguably one of the most magnificant and awe-inspiring players ever to set foot on a baseball diamond. His majestic shots would inspire a nation. In the beginning of the new millenium, McGwire started to slowly and quitely disappear off the face of the baseball earth, until one infamous day in 2005 where McGwire uttered the now infamous words: "I'm not here to talk about the past...". McGwire is now a poster boy for steroid use and all the sscars that baseball now has from the time where McGwire ruled. People now look at his name in shame instead of remembering him for his monstorous blasts.



3. Darryl Strawberry

You may begin to notice a trend here on this list. Most of the "fall from gracers" tend to be baseballers. Well, no different here! Strawberry was supposed to be the greatest thing since Ted Williams. He started off his career in 8 out of 9 nine all-star games. He constantly was a mid-30 home run basher and had 280 home runs by age 29. He seemed destined to challenge the record of Hank Aaron.

He wouldn't his 300th home run until he was 35.

He seemed always in trouble with the law and, like Doc Gooden, was suspended for nearly the whole 1995 season for cocaine use. After that, everything went downhill, including his life. He seemed to be constantly in rehab or always be the subject of a suing or an arrest. In my opinion, his talent was much more wasted then Gooden because, it always seemed like Strawberry could come back and perform, and he didn't.


2. "Shoeless" Joe Jackson

Jackson was a part, at that time, a part of a scandal bigger than steroids. Jackson has the third highest batting average of all-time (but you wouldn't know it because all his records have been erased) and holds the sixth highest batting average ever in a season, .408. In fact, Babe Ruth had said that he modeled his batting stance after Jackson's. But all this doesn't matter. He was alledged to conspire and fix the 1918 World Series, even though Jackson had the highest batting average of anyone in the series. Jackson, a known illiterate, may have not known what he had done, but you don't have to read to know money. Even though he was proven "not guilty" in a court of law, Jackson was still banned for life by Commisioner Kenesaw Mountain Landis. He could have been Rogers Hornsby before Rogers Hornsby.


T-1. Mike Tyson and O.J. Simpson

Let me start out with Simpson. This guy was a cult-hero. He was a Heisman winner at USC and rushed for more than 11,000 yards in his NFL career. He then went on to be a very popular actor and a famous broadcaster for Monday Night Football. His acting career was very illustrious, as he appeared in many different roles. But that infamous murder case dubbed "Trial of the Century" by some, basically ruined and tarnished his image. O.J. had a lot going for him, but then it all went to waste.

Next is Mike Tyson. Tyson was on to become one of the greatest boxers of all-time. He demolished Larry Holmes and Michael Spinks. In my opinion however, the turning point is career was not when his trainer died, but when he lost to Buster Douglas. That may have ruined his career more so then when Cus D'Amato died. Then it all went downhill. He got three years in the slammer and then bit off Evander Holyfield's year. Just a few years ago, Tyson filed for bankruptcy.

Curving the Wrong Way

All right. Confession time. I have not thought of an original idea for a blog for a week. I am completely stumped. I know there is all this about Tim Donaghy and Mike Vick, but you hear enough about it on SportsCenter or in the rare occasion, MSNBC or CNN. My job here is to get you away from the drudgings of scandals in sport. So I decided to look into what I thought what would be free of all scandal, the Little League World Series.

And boy, was I wrong.

There are no steroids or even age scandals. But to me, the biggest scandals are those pitch counts and the pitches they can throw. 85 pitches for a kid is entirely too much. Heck, if any pitcher throws more than that in the bigs, they are sent to the showers and made ice on their shoulders until they are frostbitten. Also, the kids can throw curves. The kids aren't even sprouting pimples, or much less 60 feet 6 inches away from home, and they can throw curves. In the long run, their arms are going to look like Anderson Varejao's hair. Dr. Frank Jobe may not want to help 15-year-olds. And the worst part is, the coaches let them. I mean, I can understand throwing a curve as your out pitch, but with some kids, the curves are their primary pitch.

Greg Maddux or Roger Clemens didn't throw curves when they were in little league. Some pitchers don't even use curves. But it is a travesty that these arms are being put to waste.

Chattin' With Jose

Talkin' Sports: Hello, today we talk to two-time felon and owner of 6 Hall-of-Fame votes, Jose Canseco.

Canseco: Good to be here, by the way have you heard of my latest book, which is set to appear in the fall?

TS: Yes, I've heard you have some dirt on Alex Rodriguez?
Canseco: I most certainly do.

TS: Then why did you not put A-Rod in your first "novel".

Canseco: Ya see, it's all 'bout marketing. If I put A-Rod in the first book, what material would I have for the second? I mean, in the next book, we got David Eckstein too. Did you know that he used to be a rampaging HGH user?

TS: Uh, no.
Canseco: It's true.

TS: Jose, why did players use steroid in the 90's?

Canseco: It's quite simple. They saw me and McGwire become the kings of the sport, and they wanted to imitate us.

TS: Like who?

Canseco: Well, Sammy Sosa is an obvious one, I mean, the guy was skinnier than a needlepoint. Rafael Palmerio too. I don't know why he used it. Raffy's a pretty bad liar too. Could he have made it any more obvious in front of Congress that he roided? Even McGwire did a better job of covering up.

TS: Covering up?

Canseco: Well of course, moron he was covering up! No one breaks down like a little girl in front of a bunch of grown men!

TS: Well, my bad.

Canseco: Yeah.

TS: Okay, in your book, Juiced: Wild Times, Rampant 'Roids, Smash Hits & How Baseball Got Big, you tend to have pro-steroid views. Why is that?

Canseco: Steroids make you a better all-around person.

TS: I'm pretty sure they don't.

Canseco: Yeah, well, I'm addicted, OK. Ever since McGwire got this bright idea to stick horse testosterone in our butts, I got a problem.

TS: Why don't you, "take a break".

Canseco: Because, I am working on my pitching. Ever since I had my Tommy John surgery, my arm can throw 70 now!

TS: That's not very fast.

Canseco: Well, it is when you're 43.

TS: I heard that Nolan Ryan threw 80 recently, and he's 60.

Canseco: Shut it.

TS: One final question. What about your infamous incident when you got beaned on the head with a baseball and it went over the fence.

Canseco: I'm not here to talk about the past...

(EDITOR'S NOTE: THIS INTERVIEW NEVER HAPPENED)

David Beckham Dines in DC

MLS soccer had arguably its biggest night ever yesterday, as one David Beckham made his MLS debut. David Beckham is the biggest overseas import in the history of the league, obviously. But it remains to be seen whether Beckham can make this league even remotely interesting. ESPN is doing a horrendous job in covering Beckham. He could be a huge target for press, but they never advertise his games and his games are hardly ever on, 1 in every 3 games Beckham plays.

The doubters of Beckham say this: Pele couldn't do it, Mia Hamm couldn't do it and that Adu kid played as good as my kindergartener. David Beckham, is much different. First off, he doesn't have to prove himself, like Adu had to. He is playing mens soccer, which is much bigger than women's. And Beckham is still in his 30's, wheres Pele was in the decline of his career.

The problem with Beckham, is that people expect him to score 5 goals a game. He's not. He rarely scores, in fact. I think I player like Ronaldinho or Kaka could make a bigger splash. The American is used to Brian Urlacher beating the snot out of someone or Barry Bonds injected some illeagl drug into his hindquarters. They like power and action. Soccer is not. But Beckham has star power, and could make this league something to watch. Now, if they could only get Zidane...

Madonna at the Bat?

I was recently reading the "Extra Mustard" column on si.com and I found out about this wikipedia page where it shows every player's on-deck song. Some players had good songs and other had songs I don't even want to say. So that is why I am counting down the 5 worst songs that Major Leaguers are using today.

5. Cliff Floyd; Chicago Cubs: "Theme From Sanford and Son"
Most songs try to make the crowd go nuts. "Crazy Train", "Immigrant Song and etc. But listening to a guy play the harmonica does not make me want to get out of my seat, much less move.

4. Richie Sexson; Seattle Mariners: "You Sexy Thing"
Look. I realize the play on Sexson's last name. But come on. As a fan, that song makes me uncomfortable. It is kind of like: "Oh. Richie's up."

3. Tom Glavine; New York Mets: "Snap Yo Fingers"
I know Tom Terrific just won number 300. But nothing says "You're a white, balding, 41 year old man" than having Lil' Jon play when you bat. In fact, why does Glavine even have a song? Pitchers really aren't supposed to have one. Having that song play while Glavine is batting is a little strange.

2. Matt Holliday; Colorado Rockies: "Holiday"
One word. Madonna. Having any song by her should make him be the primary target for every joke a Colorado Rockie pulls off. Once again, I know it is a play on his name, but having Madonna sing it is a tad awkward.

1. Bobby Crosby; Oakland Athletics: "Larger Than Life"
I'm sorry. Madonna is not as bad as having the Backstreet Boys singing your song. If Crosby wants 16-year-old girls to scream when he's up, well, he's doing it. Listen to five grown men sing like 11-year-old girls is not exactly a "crowd pleaser".

B*rry B*nds H*s 756

Barriroid. B*rry. No matter what you call him, he is now baseball's all-time leading home run hitter. Whether you believe him or not, hate him or love him, he has sports greatest record now. Do I believe him? Certaintly not. It is unlogical that a 38-year-old man can hit 73 home runs in one season. That's crazy. The guy never hit more than 50 in a year and than "decided" to hit 73. Yeah. Right.

Barry saying that he thought steroids was flaxseed oil is awfully untruthful. A guy who's life revolves around training, just threw something into his mouth without even knowing what it was? Yeah right. JaMarcus Russell has a better chance of signing with the Raiders than that happening.

You know what made me sick about this the most? When Hank Aaron was showed on the scoreboard. Way to stay unenvolved Hank. Do you, a true legend, really want you're name there? Come on. All the old-time baseballers absoultely hate this guy, and now, you're congratulating him?

Bud Selig. Way to take Barry's side and call him. I thought we were against steroids? I guess not. You were too busy blabbing to George Mitchell, a guy who seemingly can't put two and two together in this scandal, to see a cheater, the very one who basically started this whole scandal? Come on Bud. Show some courage. Everyone knows you're against it. SAY SOMETHING. You're the commisioner of baseball.

Sorry, I will not be able to write H***** Barry Bonds Part Two, do to the fact it was based on him hitting 756.

As the old saying goes: "Cheaters never win". Will this time, the cheater won, even on the night his team lost.

H***** Barry Bonds Part One

Since technically I can't say I h-te Barry Bonds on this kind of website, I'll have to go with I dislike Barry Bonds for this type of article.

• I dislike Barry Bonds because he hustles less than a man in a coma.
• I dislike Barry Bonds because he runs with the speed of a turtle with a 2-ton anchor strapped to its back.
• I dislike Barry Bonds because ESPN's Pedro Gomez clings to him like a lost puppy.
• I dislike Barry Bonds because he juiced up like the Governor.
• I dislike Barry Bonds because he has more mistresses than Borat.
• I dislike Barry Bonds because he's further back on his taxes than Pete Rose.
• I dislike Barry Bonds because he turned into Mr. Olympiad in a span of three years.
• I dislike Barry Bonds because Ruth did it on hot dogs and beer.
• I dislike Barry Bonds because he couldn't stop a 90-year-old blind burgular with his defense.
• I dislike Barry Bonds because he is about to pass Hank Aaron, a true legend.

Come back soon for my next blog: H***** Barry Bonds Part Two

Milestone Mania

As this weekend comes to a close, if you were a baseball fan, you were in absoulte Heaven. This weekend was probably better than the day of Frank Thomas's 500th homer and Craig Biggio's 3,000th hit.
We saw it all this weekend. Alex Rodriguez became the 22nd player in Major League history to jack 500 home runs. He also became the youngest to hit 500 home runs, at 32 years and 8 days old. If A-Rod continues his career average of about 34 home runs a year, he should have 600 by age 35, 700 by age 38, 800 by age 42 and 900 by age 45. Durability to that point is questionable, especially hitting 43 home runs at the age of 43. Sure Barry Bonds* did it, but his average numbers from age 22-34 (Avg. Home runs, 31 per season) compared to his average numbers from age 34 to now (Avg. Home runs, 38 per season) make him superhuman in the sense that his numbers are impossible. Alex Rodriguez could end up being the greatest player who ever lived after retirement, most likely holding records in Home Runs, RBI's, having 3,000 career hits and Runs Scored.

Barry Bonds* of course, finally went yard for the 755th time in his career. I for one, am highly against Barry Bonds. What he did was highly unethical and his record should have a fat asterik next to it. But let me say this. Even if Barry never used steroids, he would still have hit 650 career home runs, and most likely have passed Willie Mays and maybe even come close to Babe Ruth. He still would have been most likely a top 10 player of all-time. But then he used steroids. It is impossible for a player to win 4 MVP's past the age of 35. It is also highly unlikely for a player to hit 73 home runs at the age of 38. This Barry Bonds extravaganza is better left finished for another blog.

Tom Glavine. Or as I like to call him, The Forgotten One. Come on. In Atlanta he was sandwiched between Greg Maddux, who is one of the greatest pitchers ever, and John Smoltz, a super stud. In the middle was Tommy Glavine. Be honest here. How many people actually knew that Tom Glavine was closing in on 300 career wins. Not many. What Tom Glavine has just done is something that may not happen for another 50 years. The next closest to 300 is Randy Johnson, with 284, who may never pitch again. Tom Glavine is Mr. Consistensy. He never was on the DL during his career, and basically made all of his scheduled starts. Who else active do you predict to reach 300 wins? The only other active pitchers with 200+ wins are all over 40 except Pedro Martinez and Mike Mussina. Mussina is struggiling and Martinez has been on the DL since September. Do you think Johan Santana will? Fat Chance. He's 28 and he doesn't even have 100 wins. Justin Verlander? Not likely, but he'd have to start pulling off some 20 win years, in a row. Cole Hamels? Not if he continues to play for the Phillies.

This weekend has been astronomical. How many times do you see a 500 home run hitter, a record tying home run hitter and a 300 game winner all happen in a span of two days? I'll tell you. Never.

Another Desperate Team

I have heard some crazy things in my life. John Daly ordering the salad, Kobe Bryant saying he wants to stay a Laker and Barry Bonds saying "Don't Do Drugs" (link http://www.americanmemorabilia.com/pics/25746_lg.jpg) but I have never heard anything crazier then what I just saw on the news. I have heard of young kids being signed early by professional sports team. O.J. Mayo was being recruited by college's in eighth grade and recently, a 15-year-old was recruited and signed to a scholarship by USC (I guess they decided to go younger) but no team has ever gone this low (or younger). Recently, soccer superteam Manchester United recruited a nine-year-old boy from Australia to play for their Junior Academy. This may come as a shocker to many, but the club then said that the recruit 40 of his age every year! If a club has to recruit nine-year-olds there is something wrong. How do you even know the competition he's playing against is even credible! Half the kids he was playing probably don't know how to dribble much less kick a ball even half the length of the field. For God Sake, the kids are still having orange breaks after halftime and getting snacks after the game! The boy's name is Rhain Davis and Man U got the tape after his grandfather sent it to them. So that's it? Some guy who you've never met before sends you a tape, and you don't even see the kid play, and you recruit him? Have teams really gotten this desperate that they have to recruit kids who aren't even past elementary school yet?

http://sportsillustrated.cnn.com/2007/soccer/08/02/manu.recruit.ap/index.html?eref=rss_topstories )

By the way, I have seen the tape of him. All I see is a kid not passing the ball and constantly falling down, beating kids who don't even have pimples yet.

If you exscue me, I am going outside to make my own tape to send to Manchester United.

Sports Psychiatry

Today I went to my town Psychiatrist. I hadn't been feeling well lately, and I thought something was wrong. The conversation went something like this:

Me: Hey Doc, how's it going?
Doc: Ah, good, I guess. I got child support papers up to my neck....
Me: That's great but I got bigger problems.
Doc: Ah, yes, do explain.
Me: Well, it feels as if I am in some parallel universe.
Doc: How so?
Me: Well, I mean the sports world is upside down. Guys riding bikes are now testing positive for steroids.
Doc: That sneaky Floyd Landis?
Me: Yeah, him, how'd you know.
Doc: Uh, common name.
Me: Oh, well I keep thinking my idol, Michael Vick, is being indicted for dogfighting charges. I mean, he can't, his mom nicknamed him "Ookie" for Crip's sake.
Doc: I see.
Me: And now baseball is exploding. I keep dreaming there's this guy about to break Hank Aaron's record-illeagely!
Doc: Ah
Me: And players are turning from Ms. Homecoming Queen to Mr. Olympus, for the Love of things, Sammy Sosa looks like Arnold Schwarzanegger!
Doc: Another steroid user?
Me: Steroid, what the jeez is a steroid, what some kind of magical bean? Listen you quack, we're not in a fairy tale here!
Doc: You might be.
Me: Huh?
Doc: Well, you see you are suffering from a rare form of "Letdownitis". All of your heroes and idols are starting to let you down, so you are just in complete denial!
Me: It can't be!
Doc: I'm afraid so.

And that is when I tried to jump threw the window, only realize that I am on a four story building. I now have a full body cast.

Welcome to Cooperstown

Thank God for Cal Ripken and Tony Gwynn. Thank you for not giving in to the 1990's rampage of steroids and giving in to Ultra-Stars like Mark McGwire and Sammy Sosa. These guys are as clean as John Kruk's plate. A weekend in Cooperstown showed all their hard work. People from Baltimore and flippin' San Diego drove their behinds all the way down to NowhereLand. The largest crowd in Hall of Fame history was there. 70,000 people! That's the exact amount of people the Minnesota Wild had in total attendance last year! Ripken is a baseball player's player. He played in 2,632 games in a row, with no breaks. It is an accomplishment if Barry Bonds plays in 32 games in a row. He has the most home runs ever for a shortstop, and sort of revolutionzed that position, at least, until Rey Ordonez came around. Tony Gwynn looked like a huge teddy bear. He looked like Aretha Franklin, but he swang like she sang. Only Ty Cobb had more .300 seasons in a row. He batted .394 in a season. .394! He would have won every batting title in the National League if he hit .394, for 77 years in a row! That batting average is the third highest in the last eighty years. These players kept it clean, and until Jose Canseco says otherwise, the baseball universe thanks them.

Good-Bye, Michael Vick

Now, as I contemplate whether I should throw my Mike Vick jersey in the trash heap or burn it so it will never be seen again, I have this to say. I watched Mike Vick in his first year in the NFL, and I was amazed. I had never seen a player like him. Throw his 50% completion percentage out the window. He was remarkable. I mean, he ran for 1,000 yards as a quarterback. A quarterback! He did better than most NFL running backs did. He looked like a saint compared to his brother, Marcus. But it all started to unfold this last season. The whole "bird" scandal and a bunch of other scandals, he was already starting to build a hated reputation around the Average Joe Slob NFL fan. "That Miker Vick guy down in 'Lanta. Yeah, he is an awful QB, and now this garbage?" Now, he is being indicted on chargers so cruel and despicable, I wonder how I even liked this guy in the first place. Well, I guess I should have expected it from a guy nicknamed "Ookie".

The First

In sports you can almost guarantee that it will be a day of firsts. Like the first time a home run was ever credited in a game, in 1876 by Ross Barnes. Or the first time Floyd Landis made up an excuse for testing positive for testosterone. Well, today is the first column of my new column, Talkin’ the Talk. Here, you can guarantee you’ll here something you have not heard. Here are some more notable firsts:

April 4th, 1871: The first professional baseball game is ever played, as the Fort Wayne Kekiongas defeat the Cleveland Forest Citys 2-0. Right. Because we know Cleveland for its abundant forests.

1948: The first penalty flag was ever thrown in a NFL game. Somewhere, Orlando Brown weeps.

1960: Saves are finally counted as an official stat. Lee Smith quotes “Yes! Finally, a useless stat a mediocre pitcher like me can finally use!”

1967: It is made illegal for Olympic athletes to use performance-enhancing drugs. Wait. It is?

1971: Alan Shepherd hits the first golf ball ever on the moon. It landed promptly in a sand bar.

1973: Miami Dolphins become first and only team ever to go undefeated in an NFL season. With immortals like Bob Griese, it is no wonder this team went 14-0.

1978: Walter Paul becomes the first human ever to eat more than 15 hot dogs in 15 minutes, setting the stage for such heroes like Takeru Kobayashi and Joey Chestnut. Did I say heroes? I meant idols.

1986: Jack Nicklaus becomes the first person over 45 to win the Masters. He then took a nap and demanded to have Prune Juice.

1989: Jose Canseco and Mark McGwire first use steroids. "Dude, where do I stick this thing?"

1996: Michael Johnson becomes the first person ever to win 200 and 400 meter dashes in one Olympics. Now he does commercials for Bud Light.

2002: Ken Caminiti becomes first professional baseball player to admit using steroids. Then Jose Canseco pretends he was the first.

More "great" articles like these are coming up soon, so stick around

WRITERS NOTE: In case you did not know, Orlando Brown was a former NFL player who once had a penalty flag thrown at him during a game. He then threw it back at the offical and suffered eye injuries for 3 years. I seriously could have writen an entire piece on him.