Talkin' Sports: Hello, today we talk to two-time felon and owner of 6 Hall-of-Fame votes, Jose Canseco.
Canseco: Good to be here, by the way have you heard of my latest book, which is set to appear in the fall?
TS: Yes, I've heard you have some dirt on Alex Rodriguez?
Canseco: I most certainly do.
TS: Then why did you not put A-Rod in your first "novel".
Canseco: Ya see, it's all 'bout marketing. If I put A-Rod in the first book, what material would I have for the second? I mean, in the next book, we got David Eckstein too. Did you know that he used to be a rampaging HGH user?
TS: Uh, no.
Canseco: It's true.
TS: Jose, why did players use steroid in the 90's?
Canseco: It's quite simple. They saw me and McGwire become the kings of the sport, and they wanted to imitate us.
TS: Like who?
Canseco: Well, Sammy Sosa is an obvious one, I mean, the guy was skinnier than a needlepoint. Rafael Palmerio too. I don't know why he used it. Raffy's a pretty bad liar too. Could he have made it any more obvious in front of Congress that he roided? Even McGwire did a better job of covering up.
TS: Covering up?
Canseco: Well of course, moron he was covering up! No one breaks down like a little girl in front of a bunch of grown men!
TS: Well, my bad.
TS: Okay, in your book, Juiced: Wild Times, Rampant 'Roids, Smash Hits & How Baseball Got Big, you tend to have pro-steroid views. Why is that?
Canseco: Steroids make you a better all-around person.
TS: I'm pretty sure they don't.
Canseco: Yeah, well, I'm addicted, OK. Ever since McGwire got this bright idea to stick horse testosterone in our butts, I got a problem.
TS: Why don't you, "take a break".
Canseco: Because, I am working on my pitching. Ever since I had my Tommy John surgery, my arm can throw 70 now!
TS: That's not very fast.
Canseco: Well, it is when you're 43.
TS: I heard that Nolan Ryan threw 80 recently, and he's 60.
Canseco: Shut it.
TS: One final question. What about your infamous incident when you got beaned on the head with a baseball and it went over the fence.
Canseco: I'm not here to talk about the past...
(EDITOR'S NOTE: THIS INTERVIEW NEVER HAPPENED)