Ode to the NFL

NFL season is near,
Oh dear!

Pacman in trouble
Vick times that double
And Herm Edward's stubble
Means the NFL season is near,
Oh dear!

Too many preseason games,
LaDanian Tomlinson thinks that's lame
And Randy Moss looks the same
Means the NFL season is near,
Oh dear!

The Colts try to defend,
Dwight Freeney dominating defensive end,
Watch Reggie Bush bend!
Means the NFL season is near,
Oh dear!

Steve McNair's getting old,
The Steelers black and gold,
Simeon Rice just got sold,
Means the NFL season is near,
Oh dear!

Watch Steven Jackson run,
JaMarcus Russel's got a gun,
Terrell Owens still isn't having fun!
Means the NFL season is near,
Oh dear!

Matt Leinart is throwing
Byron Leftwich is going
And Bill Parcells is at home sewing
Means the NFL season is near,
Oh dear!

Brett Farve just did a flea flick,
The clock is going tick tick,
Whata know, Rex Grossman threw a pick!
Means the NFL season is near,
Oh dear!

The First

In sports you can almost guarantee that it will be a day of firsts. Like the first time a home run was ever credited in a game, in 1876 by Ross Barnes. Or the first time Floyd Landis made up an excuse for testing positive for testosterone. Well, today is the first column of my new column, Talkin’ the Talk. Here, you can guarantee you’ll here something you have not heard. Here are some more notable firsts:

April 4th, 1871: The first professional baseball game is ever played, as the Fort Wayne Kekiongas defeat the Cleveland Forest Citys 2-0. Right. Because we know Cleveland for its abundant forests.

1948: The first penalty flag was ever thrown in a NFL game. Somewhere, Orlando Brown weeps.

1960: Saves are finally counted as an official stat. Lee Smith quotes “Yes! Finally, a useless stat a mediocre pitcher like me can finally use!”

1967: It is made illegal for Olympic athletes to use performance-enhancing drugs. Wait. It is?

1971: Alan Shepherd hits the first golf ball ever on the moon. It landed promptly in a sand bar.

1973: Miami Dolphins become first and only team ever to go undefeated in an NFL season. With immortals like Bob Griese, it is no wonder this team went 14-0.

1978: Walter Paul becomes the first human ever to eat more than 15 hot dogs in 15 minutes, setting the stage for such heroes like Takeru Kobayashi and Joey Chestnut. Did I say heroes? I meant idols.

1986: Jack Nicklaus becomes the first person over 45 to win the Masters. He then took a nap and demanded to have Prune Juice.

1989: Jose Canseco and Mark McGwire first use steroids. "Dude, where do I stick this thing?"

1996: Michael Johnson becomes the first person ever to win 200 and 400 meter dashes in one Olympics. Now he does commercials for Bud Light.

2002: Ken Caminiti becomes first professional baseball player to admit using steroids. Then Jose Canseco pretends he was the first.

More "great" articles like these are coming up soon, so stick around

WRITERS NOTE: In case you did not know, Orlando Brown was a former NFL player who once had a penalty flag thrown at him during a game. He then threw it back at the offical and suffered eye injuries for 3 years. I seriously could have writen an entire piece on him.